A Bad Penny Always Turns Up

Halllooo! Is me, Squiggy.

Big tings has happens over dis Winters. Biggest ting is new beestie in house. Squiggy is no sure wheres dis ting comed from, but it is seeming to stays now.

Squiggy no like dis beestie. It has taken overs best napping spotz and is very rude. It always taking over da laps of da pibbles and no lets Squiggy near dem.

 I am getting upsets just poosting about it, so I lets da Lenny tells you more.

Tis me! Ach, I'll be givin ye the telling of the foul beastie that has a'been makin of herself such a bother.

Fairst of all, she showed up one bonny evenin on mah back deck. "O' waily, waily!" she cried, "Imma sooch a poor, wee waif I am! Wontcha pleez be lettin me in and be givin dis unfortunate creeture a wee bite ta eat? Imma sooch a innocent babe froom da woods wit nary a catnip moosie to me name! O' waily, waily! I be sooch a good lass for ye!"

And so da bigguns, with soft hearts (and even softer heads) let da wee beastie into my hoose. Dey named her "Penny" and told the rest of us that she was to be our sister now and we were to be a-treatin her like she was a part of our clan.

Weeeeel, lemme just tell ye this! Nay a bigger mistake has ever been made in hissstory!

As soon as da bigguns let her in, yon Penny-beast commenced to a-hissin and a-screechin and a-poofin! She was makin a sound that can only be described as soundin like a drunken, syphilitic banshee who is havin da troubles O' da kidney stones!

Ummmm, excoose me Lennys, but how does you knows what a drunken, syphilitic banshee with kidney stones sounded likes?

Weeel, there was that one weekend a time ago when I got ahoold O'dat organic catnip dat Doc Lori brought me, and went feral fer a weekend, but...…...WAIT A TIC!! DIS IS NAY ABOOT ME, YE HAIRY HAGGIS! SHUTTOOP AN LEMME GIT BACK TO ME TELLIN!

Soooo anyways, dis Penny critter goes to yelling and a-screamin at everyone in sight. She chases da poor, wee old Jaq. She goes all berserker on da Squiggs. She even almost woke up the grit lump of Ivan!

O'course all dis commotion brought da bigguns a-runnin. They was a-shoutin and a-hollering and a-screamin…….MY NAME!!!! 

This wasna my fault! Everybody knows dinna have a mean bone in me body. 

But, da Penny, she is a wily lass. By da time da bigguns got to da room, she was just a-layin there like this:

"Lookit da cute, wee ting!" They shouted! "Lenny, how could ye be attackin such sweet lass?"

Weeel, Imma be telling ye, ye no can judge a calico by it's covering. Dis lil hell beast has completely taken over mah hoose. 

But ye need not take to worryin. Me and da Squiggmoose, we be plottin. We are havin big brain-thoughts (Well, Squiggy's brain-thoughts are nay so big). 

Fer now, weel be lettin her git cozy and comfy..... Soon da little harpy will be of the thinkin dat she is safe...... The wee lass will let down her guard....

Dis tri-colored terrorist will be brought doon from her high horsey. She shall be educated in the workins of dis clan. 

Worry not yer noggins, Tuxies will prevail...….  

To Be Continued......

Lennyage

Is me, Squiggy......

I know it has been long time since we poosted heres, but the Lenny has been using pooter to traces his incestry. Squiggy no has chance to be writing the poosts.

The Lenny spends much times on someteeng called Incestry.com.

Now the Lenny is readies to shares his results. So I turns it over to him.

Aye! I am back! Have ye missed me?

As yon bi-colored booby has just mentioned to ye, I 'ave been a-lookin into me own Lennyage an I 'ave mooch ta share wit ye!

First of all, I am froom a bonny place across the yon waters called Scootland.

No Lenny, you is from Sacremento.

SHUT OOP, YE PIEBALD PUSS! Tis my turn to be dooin the typin!

Anyhoo, as I was a-sayin before the interooptin, I am froom a bonny place called Scootland. I have traced my Lennyage all the ways back to me great, great, great, great....etc... grandpaps.

Me family comes froom a wee village in the Scootish Highlands called Kilmousie. Kilmousie is a verry picturesque village located on the western shore of  Loch Enloaden. 

Me great, great, great, great....etc..grandpap's name was Lenny The Bruise.

Lenny The Bruise (or as he was known to his friends: "Lenny The Bruise") was the first known tuxedo cat in all of Scootland (All other cats in Scootland at that time wore kilts).

He was the companion and part-time tormentor of the village idiot and part-time oatmeal sculptor known as Dougal McDunn. 

They spent days together, walkin along the loch, looking for keys and generally irritatin the local wildlife. In fact, they were were so irritatin that it wasna long before the resident dinosaur packed up his kit and resettled in some other loch. I forgit where that old lizzard finally settled, but I am sure that it is of nae consequence and will probably nay be heard from agin.

Soooo, Lenny The Bruise an' his servant Dougal spent their days a-wanderin around the loch an' their nights at the local tavern/laundromat/burger joint called "Mcdonald's, Fine Purveyors of Beer, Dry-Cleaning and Sandwyches Made of Ground Bovine, Cheese, Lettuce, Pickled Cucumbers, Onyons, Special Souse and Conveniently Served Betwixt Two Loaves of Somewhat Fresh Bread Products"  The proprietor would evenually move to America, drop the tavern/laundromat part of the enterprise and shorten the name to "Burger King".

The adventures of Lenny The Bruise and Dougal McDunn are extremely well-known to everyone who has ever visited Kilmousie and had a chance to visit the sanatarium, and been able to decipher the mumblings of the village idiot/ part-time oatmeal sculptor.

So now ye know the beginnins of me Lennyage. I am of the hoping that ye enjoyed it.

Tanksgiving Pootry

Halllloooo!!

Tis I, Lenny!

Weeel, I was justa tinkin dat I be atryin me paw at some pootry writin. It shouldna be so haird. If'n a Sassenach like dat Shakespeare laddie kin do it, then it should be a walk in the heather fer one sooch as me. 

So here be me masterpiece:

 The Eve O' Tanksgivin

Twas the Eve O' Tanksgivin

An all tru da hoose,

Nay a critter was astirrin

Not even da moose.

The bigguns had hided their bonny clothes 

In da closet wit grit care,

In hopes dat brave Lenny

Would no share his hair.

But brave, young Lenny,

He noodled a plan.

He studied and plotted

Unteel it was grand.

Brave , young Lenny waited

Wit da patience O' Job.

An den he snucked in da privy

An hid in a robe.

He waited an waited,

Unteel da bigguns slept,

Den he snucked inda bedroom

Under yon beddie he crept.

To yon closet door,

Our hero did crawl,

Den turned on the knobby

Wit a flick O' his paw.

All da bigguns clothes
Were hung in neat rows.
Shoes an boots all polished,
No scuffys on dere toes.

Everyting in da closet 
So trim, an so neat.
But our brave young Lenny,
Would rise to dis feat.

He joomped up on da hangars,
He put hairballs in da shoes.
He peeked tru da doorway,
But da bigguns still snoozed.

He rubbed fur all over,
Their bonniest clothes.
He scratched all da shoes an boots,
An chewed up dere toes.

As he snucked outta da closet,
He looked back wit pride,
An den he smacked da tie rack
An knocked it aside.

And our brave Lenny
He waits for da morn,
When da bigguns will discover his work
And cry out in scorn.

"Ivan! Oh Ivan!
What have ye been doins?
Ye've attacked da closet!
And left it in ruins!" 

Now why should they blame Ivan?
Ye may be asking yerselves.
Smart, brave, young Lenny
Left Ivan's fur on da shelves.

So dat's me poom. I told ye isna so haird.

Happy Tanksgivin to all ye froom Me and da piebald moose! 

A Matter of Manners

Hallo.

Is me, Squiggy. 

I have decideds dat ees times for da Lennys to learns some manners.

Da Lennys is alla times being very rude. He has no ettik…..eddici…..ediku….he very rude.

Da Lennys never polite. He wants sumptin, he takes sumptin. He nevers say please or tankyous. He jus goes arounds like everbodies is beneaths him (most times dey are beneaths him cause he alla times walking on dem, but you knows what I means). He doan like what you doings? He gonna smacks you. He likes what you doings? He gonna smacks you anyways. If da Lennys sees you, dere is pretty good chance dat dere is a smackin in your futures.

Den he wonders why da pibbles is always sayin stuffs like "LENNY! NO!" and "DON'T LENNY!" and "DAMMIT LENNY! I SAYS NO!"

Dey never says tings like dat to Squiggy. 

Squiggy is good cat. 

Squiggy is nice cat.

Squiggy is curty…..courtye….kirty…...polite cat.

Pibbles loves the Squiggy.

So today I gonna teach da Lennys hows to be good cat like Squiggy (dat's me).

Oh Lennys! Come you over heres!

Aye? Wudduyuwant?

Squiggy gonna teachin you to be nice today.

Ye goona wut?? Ye're of the tinkin dat I be needin some of da teechin are ye?

Yes. You are cute cat, but you are not nice cat. Squiggy (dat's me) will teaches you to be nice cat.

Now why wood I be awantin to be sucha ting? Imma verra happy bein da way I be, thankee.

But Lennys, nice cat gets more treats. Nice cat gets more laps. Nice cat no get yells at.

Hmmmmm, I'm supposin dat I could give yer teechin some noodlin. Boot I make ye no promises!

Okay Lennys, If a pibbles tells you to get downs offa bed, what do you doos?

I give em a glare anna turn me back on em until dey get da hint an leave me be. If'n dey dinna take da hint, den I gotta give em a wee smackin.

No, no, no, Lennys. You gets off da beds and curls up on da carpet while purrings.

Ye mean like a dawg?? Now why would I be a doin dat? Ohhhhhh! I get it! I be awaitin until dere guard is doon and den I jump atop em an be agivin dem the smackin!!

No Lennys! Ye....I means you just sleeps on the carpets. Den dey see you are good cats and maybe dey lets you sleep on bed laters. Okays, tries dis one: Da pibbles is makings a tunas dinner in da kitchen. Hows you gonna gets dem to gives you some of da tunas?

Aye!! Dat's an easy one! Furst, I tellem dat if'n dey poot yon fishies onna floor, no biggun hasta get hurted. If'n dat doan git dere attention, I commence to windin meself aroond dere legs until dey be atrippin and adroppin all da wee fishies. Den I gooble em all up and go jump onna bed.

No Lennys! Dat's no what good cat does! Good cat prances in a circle, giving soft meows wit you tail straight up in airs.

Den you go a-pouncing on da wee fishies while da bigguns are distracted!!

NO! NO, and NO Lennys! You are no leestening to Squiggy. You get da tunas as rewards because da pibbles tink you are good cat. Okay let Squiggy try one more times. Da male pibbles is tryna work on his compooter. What does good cat do?

Lemme take a guessin at dis.....da "good" cat curls up at da feet of da biggun and patiently waits while da biggun finishes oop wha'ever he be doon wit da infernal machine. Den da "good" cat begs permission from da biggun to curl up on 'is lap fer some gentle cuddlin-time.

LENNY!!! You finally understands!! I is so prouds of you!!

NAY! Ye piebald pansy! Dere issa no way I could ever be a-behavin like dat! Ye canna be believin dat ay would ever be lowerin me standards. Ye kin go on bein da "good" cat. Imma keep doon my tang.

"Good" cat may be gettin all da love, but "bad" cat be gettin all da wee fishies.   

Halllooooooo (again)

I'm back! It is I, Lenny!

I noo that ye've missed me scritchins, boot I ave been quite da busy cat. No time for the scritchin on da bloggity ting. 

In da year or soo since I last spook to ya, I ave been busy soortin tings oot around ere. After all, tings do no get soorted out by their own selves. They need a strong paw ta keep dem in line and get tings arranged to mah likens. Boot dis nay happens overnight! It takes a loot of planning and manipulatin and such. Soo I ave been ard at work makin sure dat everyting is to mah liken.

Boot now dat everytin is in order, I can take a wee minute an share somma mah deepest taughts wit ye.

Fairst of all, I ave groon quite a bit. As dis pictchur will attest:

Squiggy has groon to, he has poot on a toon o' weight. Soo mooch so dat Imma tinkin dat soon he will ave his oon climate!

** Is me, Squiggy. Lennys is given to exagerr….ecksagg.....axergaa….Lennys stretches the truths. I am simply growns into my full sizes. Is truths that I am somewhats beeger than leetle Lennys, but if I knews what a climate is, I is pretty sures that I do not haves one.

OCH! Shut oop, ye grit bi-colored booby! I wasna talkin to ye! If I wanted yer opinion, I'd be smackin it outta yer haid!

Here is a pictchur to be provin mah point!

Lookit da grit big ting! Just his paws coold take oot a wee village! I swear ye can hear him a walkin froom three counties away! When 'e gits in the doodle box, it sounds like 'e is buildin a dam! Imma always afeared dat soomday imma gonna find dat 'e has created Loch Doodle Box in da utility room.

Anyhoo, imma no here to be castin the aspersions. 

If dere is one ting I ave learnt in da last year, it is always to be takin da "high road". It even says to do so in one of me favorite songs:

"O' I'll take da high road, and ye take da low road.

And I'll get ta smackin before ye!"

My male biggun is always a-sayin "dat the high road is always uphill, but the view is magnificent". 

It is one of his favorite sayins and he seems to be a-thinkin that it has something to do wit being a gennleman. He is of the thinkin dat one should swallow one's pride and sometimes be above petty differences.

I dunno know aboot all that. But I happen to be agreein aboot takin da high road. I just be of the thinkin that he is missing the entire point:

Ya see, when ye be a-takin da high road, it makes it much easier to be knockin tings onto the noggins of all da ones takin da low road!  

Weel, unteel next time, I'll be scamperin off. I weel no take so long to be scritchin again. 

I may even let the grit big panda cat scritch a bit too.

Lenny's Turn

Today, I tinks maybe Lennys should writes the blog. He tinks dis is soooo easy, so I turns it over to hims to try. I no tells him what to writes, therefores, Squiggy is no to blames for leetle guy's writings.........jus sayin.

Halloooooo!
Yon grit big, piebald moose issa always agoin oon aboot how haird this bloggy is ta writes. I kinna say tha I sees the difficulties in scratchin down a buncha taughts as they pop inta yer noggin. 

Waily waily waily! "Oh noes! Issa so haird!", he always asayin'!

Now, I'm no sayin that coomin up wit a wee idea is no a walk in the heather, mind ye, but it kinna warrant all the scratchin-O'-the head and tappin-O'-the paws that he's always a doin.

Anyhoo, I dinna come ere to gabble on aboot the McSquiggins. What I reely wanna talk to ye aboot is dat grit big ol stinky gingercat called Ivan.  

Tis an amazement ta me that a mancat wit such bulk in his body can 'ave  such a lacking of matter between his earholes. Aye sure, ye might be athinkin dat a wee little kitten such a meself may have nay experience enoof ta be placing judgement on one aged such as he. Weel, lemme tell ye summat Jimmy, I knows enuff to tell ye dat when da grit God aboove wassa handin oot the gray matter, Ivan musta been asleepin under da couch (probably adreamin aboot chasin slow moosies and menacing socks).

Oh, Imma no sayin dat Ivan has nay any commendable qualities. There are a few benefits to livin wit him....

When ye need a door opened because the bigguns have locked ye oot once again, he makes a grit batterin ram dat no door can withstand. Ye only need to git him excited by atellin him dat they be ahidin food under dere pillows and then just stand ye back and watch the doors go aflyin.

If ye 'ave a need to hide evidence of a crime ye may or may 'ave no committed, simply squirrel awae da evidence in da folds O' flab that span the area between his forelegs. Ye could hide an entire haggis in there, but ye wouldna want to because he'd probably eat it in his sleep.

He also makes a good "goat-O'-scapin" when ye find yourself in the needin of one. 

****Squiggy here, I am tinking dat Lennys is talkings about a "scapegoats".

Shaddup ye overgrown panda cat! Yon readers know wut I be gabblin aboot! Ye said dat dis wassa my poost to write, so waddle off and lemme get back to it!

Now, weer was I? Oh aye, I was talkin aboot Ivan makin a good goat-O'-scapin. Ye see, Ivan's face is always asportin a look of perpetual guilty confusion. So all ye need to do is ta make sure that Ivan is in the general vicinity of any shennannigans ye may be up to. Then when da bigguns ask who wassa breakin stuff, ye simply don yer innocent kitten face an mebbe give yer wee kitten haid a nod inna direction of da grit dunce. 

Boot, I kinna say dat I doan love the big lummox. He's verra soft and warm and if ye punch him up a few times, he makes a verra good bed.

So dats aboot alla got te say fer now. 

See? Dis bloggity ting isna so hard.

Foods For Thoughts

Befores I begin talkings about da foods, I should tells you someting abouts da Lenny.

Lenny has been learning to talks better. 

He has also decided dat he is Scottish.

Lemme splain dis to you........

Lenny has been watching a lot of da TVs lately. He discovered dat Scottish pibbles likes kilts. So Lenny tinks to himselfs: "I likes kilts too. I kilt da curtains. I kilt da moosies. I kilt da she-pibble's choos. I kilt alla stuffs. I even kilt da dangly bits on da chandumleer. I mus be da Scottish cat".

So nows, Lenny is goings around talking likes da Scottish pibbles. Is annoying, but also is amusings.

Och, aye ye grit bawfaced, bi-coolered gaberlunzie! Lemme 'ave a go at yon bloggy!   

Not right now Lenny, Squiggy still talking. You go play now. Let Squiggy finish dis. Mebbe you talks later.

So todays Squiggy gonna talks about da foods. My prede....prayde........preadacess.......da cat (Cujo) who lived here befores me, always was scratchin on his blog dat there was no varieties of da foods. He said dat pibbles get lotsa varieties in their foods, but nod da kitties. He sayin alla time dat it was not fairs.

I does not find dis to be da case. You sees, when Squiggy first  got heres, there was two foods: "Hill's Science Diet Hairball Control Light" for da tabbies, and "Hill's Science Diet Kitten Formula" for da Squiggs (dat's me). But da pibbles thinked to demselves: "Tabbies, dey gettin olders. Mebbe dey needs sumpting more suited to their ages". So dey goes out and gets "Hill's Science Diet Senor Formula". (I tink is Mexican-flavored). 

Ivan likes new foods. Tiger Lily likes new foods. I likes new foods. But, Jaq no likes new foods. 

Now we has three foods. I no like kitten foods anymores. So we have full bag of kitten foods dat I won't eats, We have full bag of hairball foods dat pibbles won't serve, and we have full bag of Senor foods dat Jaq won't eats.

Dis is problem for pibbles. They say I should eats kitten foods so I grow up to be big mancat. But I wanna eats da Senor foods. Ivan wanna eat da kitten foods, but shouldn't because he already big mancat and they don't want him gettin bigger. Tiger Lily okay because she really likes new foods. Jaq don't likes any of da foods.

So pibbles go back to store. They buy new wet foods for Jaq. They buy "Hill's Science Diet Juvenile Formula" for Squiggs (dat's me). They buy Hill's Science Diet Senor Light Formula for Ivan and Tiger Lily.

Jaq likes her new foods. Ivan and Tiger Lily likes their new foods. I like Ivan and Tiger Lily's new foods. 

I no like my new foods. Ivan likes my new foods.

Now, I tink we have seven foods.

Everyting seems settled nows.

Uh-oh!! We gets new kitten!

They buy new kitten foods for Lenny.
I like Lenny's foods.
Ivan likes Lenny's foods.
Tiger Lily likes Lenny's foods.
Jaq likes Lenny's foods.
Lenny NO likes Lenny's foods.

Pibbles are no happy.  

Noboody taught ta ask me, did ya, ye heartless bastids??

Hush Lenny,  Squiggy still talking.

So pibbles go back to store. They buys "Hill's Science Diet Senor Indoor Formula", "Hill's Science Diet Early Development Formula", "Hill's Science Diet Adult Maintenance Formula", and "Hill's Science Diet Middle-Aged Health Formula".

My foods closet is starting to looks like PetCo.

I would tell you nows who likes what foods, but I have lost tracks. I do not tink dat the pibbles even know what foods they are giving us anymore. They just puts some of each kinds out and we eats out of whatever bowls we likes.

The pibbles tink they knows what we are eatings, but I have my doubts.  

If only they could find some "Hill's Science Diet Picky Nutso Multi-Cat Formula".