Tanksgiving Pootry

Halllloooo!!

Tis I, Lenny!

Weeel, I was justa tinkin dat I be atryin me paw at some pootry writin. It shouldna be so haird. If'n a Sassenach like dat Shakespeare laddie kin do it, then it should be a walk in the heather fer one sooch as me. 

So here be me masterpiece:

 The Eve O' Tanksgivin

Twas the Eve O' Tanksgivin

An all tru da hoose,

Nay a critter was astirrin

Not even da moose.

The bigguns had hided their bonny clothes 

In da closet wit grit care,

In hopes dat brave Lenny

Would no share his hair.

But brave, young Lenny,

He noodled a plan.

He studied and plotted

Unteel it was grand.

Brave , young Lenny waited

Wit da patience O' Job.

An den he snucked in da privy

An hid in a robe.

He waited an waited,

Unteel da bigguns slept,

Den he snucked inda bedroom

Under yon beddie he crept.

To yon closet door,

Our hero did crawl,

Den turned on the knobby

Wit a flick O' his paw.

All da bigguns clothes
Were hung in neat rows.
Shoes an boots all polished,
No scuffys on dere toes.

Everyting in da closet 
So trim, an so neat.
But our brave young Lenny,
Would rise to dis feat.

He joomped up on da hangars,
He put hairballs in da shoes.
He peeked tru da doorway,
But da bigguns still snoozed.

He rubbed fur all over,
Their bonniest clothes.
He scratched all da shoes an boots,
An chewed up dere toes.

As he snucked outta da closet,
He looked back wit pride,
An den he smacked da tie rack
An knocked it aside.

And our brave Lenny
He waits for da morn,
When da bigguns will discover his work
And cry out in scorn.

"Ivan! Oh Ivan!
What have ye been doins?
Ye've attacked da closet!
And left it in ruins!" 

Now why should they blame Ivan?
Ye may be asking yerselves.
Smart, brave, young Lenny
Left Ivan's fur on da shelves.

So dat's me poom. I told ye isna so haird.

Happy Tanksgivin to all ye froom Me and da piebald moose! 

A Matter of Manners

Hallo.

Is me, Squiggy. 

I have decideds dat ees times for da Lennys to learns some manners.

Da Lennys is alla times being very rude. He has no ettik…..eddici…..ediku….he very rude.

Da Lennys never polite. He wants sumptin, he takes sumptin. He nevers say please or tankyous. He jus goes arounds like everbodies is beneaths him (most times dey are beneaths him cause he alla times walking on dem, but you knows what I means). He doan like what you doings? He gonna smacks you. He likes what you doings? He gonna smacks you anyways. If da Lennys sees you, dere is pretty good chance dat dere is a smackin in your futures.

Den he wonders why da pibbles is always sayin stuffs like "LENNY! NO!" and "DON'T LENNY!" and "DAMMIT LENNY! I SAYS NO!"

Dey never says tings like dat to Squiggy. 

Squiggy is good cat. 

Squiggy is nice cat.

Squiggy is curty…..courtye….kirty…...polite cat.

Pibbles loves the Squiggy.

So today I gonna teach da Lennys hows to be good cat like Squiggy (dat's me).

Oh Lennys! Come you over heres!

Aye? Wudduyuwant?

Squiggy gonna teachin you to be nice today.

Ye goona wut?? Ye're of the tinkin dat I be needin some of da teechin are ye?

Yes. You are cute cat, but you are not nice cat. Squiggy (dat's me) will teaches you to be nice cat.

Now why wood I be awantin to be sucha ting? Imma verra happy bein da way I be, thankee.

But Lennys, nice cat gets more treats. Nice cat gets more laps. Nice cat no get yells at.

Hmmmmm, I'm supposin dat I could give yer teechin some noodlin. Boot I make ye no promises!

Okay Lennys, If a pibbles tells you to get downs offa bed, what do you doos?

I give em a glare anna turn me back on em until dey get da hint an leave me be. If'n dey dinna take da hint, den I gotta give em a wee smackin.

No, no, no, Lennys. You gets off da beds and curls up on da carpet while purrings.

Ye mean like a dawg?? Now why would I be a doin dat? Ohhhhhh! I get it! I be awaitin until dere guard is doon and den I jump atop em an be agivin dem the smackin!!

No Lennys! Ye....I means you just sleeps on the carpets. Den dey see you are good cats and maybe dey lets you sleep on bed laters. Okays, tries dis one: Da pibbles is makings a tunas dinner in da kitchen. Hows you gonna gets dem to gives you some of da tunas?

Aye!! Dat's an easy one! Furst, I tellem dat if'n dey poot yon fishies onna floor, no biggun hasta get hurted. If'n dat doan git dere attention, I commence to windin meself aroond dere legs until dey be atrippin and adroppin all da wee fishies. Den I gooble em all up and go jump onna bed.

No Lennys! Dat's no what good cat does! Good cat prances in a circle, giving soft meows wit you tail straight up in airs.

Den you go a-pouncing on da wee fishies while da bigguns are distracted!!

NO! NO, and NO Lennys! You are no leestening to Squiggy. You get da tunas as rewards because da pibbles tink you are good cat. Okay let Squiggy try one more times. Da male pibbles is tryna work on his compooter. What does good cat do?

Lemme take a guessin at dis.....da "good" cat curls up at da feet of da biggun and patiently waits while da biggun finishes oop wha'ever he be doon wit da infernal machine. Den da "good" cat begs permission from da biggun to curl up on 'is lap fer some gentle cuddlin-time.

LENNY!!! You finally understands!! I is so prouds of you!!

NAY! Ye piebald pansy! Dere issa no way I could ever be a-behavin like dat! Ye canna be believin dat ay would ever be lowerin me standards. Ye kin go on bein da "good" cat. Imma keep doon my tang.

"Good" cat may be gettin all da love, but "bad" cat be gettin all da wee fishies.