A Matter of Manners

Hallo.

Is me, Squiggy. 

I have decideds dat ees times for da Lennys to learns some manners.

Da Lennys is alla times being very rude. He has no ettik…..eddici…..ediku….he very rude.

Da Lennys never polite. He wants sumptin, he takes sumptin. He nevers say please or tankyous. He jus goes arounds like everbodies is beneaths him (most times dey are beneaths him cause he alla times walking on dem, but you knows what I means). He doan like what you doings? He gonna smacks you. He likes what you doings? He gonna smacks you anyways. If da Lennys sees you, dere is pretty good chance dat dere is a smackin in your futures.

Den he wonders why da pibbles is always sayin stuffs like "LENNY! NO!" and "DON'T LENNY!" and "DAMMIT LENNY! I SAYS NO!"

Dey never says tings like dat to Squiggy. 

Squiggy is good cat. 

Squiggy is nice cat.

Squiggy is curty…..courtye….kirty…...polite cat.

Pibbles loves the Squiggy.

So today I gonna teach da Lennys hows to be good cat like Squiggy (dat's me).

Oh Lennys! Come you over heres!

Aye? Wudduyuwant?

Squiggy gonna teachin you to be nice today.

Ye goona wut?? Ye're of the tinkin dat I be needin some of da teechin are ye?

Yes. You are cute cat, but you are not nice cat. Squiggy (dat's me) will teaches you to be nice cat.

Now why wood I be awantin to be sucha ting? Imma verra happy bein da way I be, thankee.

But Lennys, nice cat gets more treats. Nice cat gets more laps. Nice cat no get yells at.

Hmmmmm, I'm supposin dat I could give yer teechin some noodlin. Boot I make ye no promises!

Okay Lennys, If a pibbles tells you to get downs offa bed, what do you doos?

I give em a glare anna turn me back on em until dey get da hint an leave me be. If'n dey dinna take da hint, den I gotta give em a wee smackin.

No, no, no, Lennys. You gets off da beds and curls up on da carpet while purrings.

Ye mean like a dawg?? Now why would I be a doin dat? Ohhhhhh! I get it! I be awaitin until dere guard is doon and den I jump atop em an be agivin dem the smackin!!

No Lennys! Ye....I means you just sleeps on the carpets. Den dey see you are good cats and maybe dey lets you sleep on bed laters. Okays, tries dis one: Da pibbles is makings a tunas dinner in da kitchen. Hows you gonna gets dem to gives you some of da tunas?

Aye!! Dat's an easy one! Furst, I tellem dat if'n dey poot yon fishies onna floor, no biggun hasta get hurted. If'n dat doan git dere attention, I commence to windin meself aroond dere legs until dey be atrippin and adroppin all da wee fishies. Den I gooble em all up and go jump onna bed.

No Lennys! Dat's no what good cat does! Good cat prances in a circle, giving soft meows wit you tail straight up in airs.

Den you go a-pouncing on da wee fishies while da bigguns are distracted!!

NO! NO, and NO Lennys! You are no leestening to Squiggy. You get da tunas as rewards because da pibbles tink you are good cat. Okay let Squiggy try one more times. Da male pibbles is tryna work on his compooter. What does good cat do?

Lemme take a guessin at dis.....da "good" cat curls up at da feet of da biggun and patiently waits while da biggun finishes oop wha'ever he be doon wit da infernal machine. Den da "good" cat begs permission from da biggun to curl up on 'is lap fer some gentle cuddlin-time.

LENNY!!! You finally understands!! I is so prouds of you!!

NAY! Ye piebald pansy! Dere issa no way I could ever be a-behavin like dat! Ye canna be believin dat ay would ever be lowerin me standards. Ye kin go on bein da "good" cat. Imma keep doon my tang.

"Good" cat may be gettin all da love, but "bad" cat be gettin all da wee fishies.